quiet things that noone ever knows

So I know that facebook applications aren't the most reliable sources of information and what not, but.. my fortune cookie application has really hit the nail right on the head. It said "This summer will change your life view." Summer is slowly approaching and it's been showing through my behaviour. I have just had one of the most turbullent starts to a year. With the stresses of my "adult life" coming on like a tidal wave, to my father losing his job and my family being forced to move out of the place that I have called home for the last 11 years. All of my life that I knew was dissipating into nothing but memories. My dog passed away, I lost my home, and school is pretty much over. 
What now?

This summer was the time that I was meant to spend in the States figuring out my life. Would I get a job there? Would I just go back to Brazil and live with my parents there? It's all so up in the air at this point. I have one of the worst anxiety disorders ever.. I mean, I grew socially anxious in multiple occassions to a point that if I were out to dinner, I would lose my appetite and have trouble breathing. The only time I feel ok when I am out is when I'm drinking. Cause then all those barriers or memories of horrible things in the past are washed away with every pint of beer that I drink.
What now?

I try to sit and think about now. I think about the amazing support system that I have. My friends (my REAL friends, those of which I know care for my wellbeing and not just call me when they need something), my family (my Dad whom I've never had a very close relationship with has started to really grow on me), Carl (I always tell him I'm lucky to have him because he is just so caring and understanding and he truly wants to see me happy). When I think of those people I just feel bad.. because I honestly want to listen to their advice and believe it, and feel better, but I never do. 
So really... what now?

It's my birthday in three days. Hopefully by then, I'll have something to look forward to. Until then, I don't really see myself being very happy about anything.

I am ecstatic about this Christmas vacation let me tell you.

I'm currently in Australia - it's the 6th of December and in 3 short days I will be making my way to the wonderous island of Singapore. Both my brothers live there now. Yup, Andrei moved back from Melbourne because.... long story short, his girlfriend fell in love with another GIRL in London and broke my brother's heart. She's gonna pay. 

Not only will my brothers be there but Clarissa and her boyfriend Pete! I know she lives just like an hour away from me here in Aussie but it's so tough to see her, she has work, we both have Uni and she has her boyfriend... so we don't have much time to spend with eachother :/

Matt Vautrain will get there on the 24th of December and I'm so fucking excited to see him, haven't seen him since last December so it shall be really good fun at the UB with him back there. Elisa, the love of my life, is going to get back from Europe on the 20th I believe so I'll be able to see her for a good 8 days before making my way to...... drum roll .................... JAPAN!!!!!!!!!

I am so so so happy to be going there, I love traveling and I love going to new places and this is a place I've been wanting to go to for years. My parents are finally letting me go and I'll be with my wonderful and sexy boyfriend Carl for a whole 12 days. I'll be spending New Years in the beautiful bright city of Tokyo, I might be going on a snowboarding trip to Nagano (ps- NEVER seen snow. It's going to be more like Bianca-falls-on-ass trip)(pps- ok I've seen snow like once but I was an infant), I'm also dragging him to Tokyo Disney because I still have a child's mind and want to go on all the fun rides, ALSO trying to get him to take me to Kyoto because it's beautiful and I want t see temples. I assure you this will not be a get drunk everyday trip, even though I'll be staying on a Naval base with Godknows how many other sailors around. I'm putting my foot down and I will not be conned into just going to fucking bars out in Roppongi :)

Well loves, this is all I got going on in store at the moment. How is everyone else? Good I hope. Is anyone going to Singapore this Christmas? I don't even know if people even go back at all that often anymore. 

lockers37: she can suck my left nut
lockers37: and yes I have one
xbiancasantinix: haha ew.
xbiancasantinix: does matt know
lockers37: no it hides when he is around
lockers37: sucks back up into the body
lockers37: his name is gus
lockers37: and Im weird.
lockers37: :-\
xbiancasantinix: yeah haha really fucking weird hahaha
xbiancasantinix: but funny
xbiancasantinix: that's why we love you

Admit it!
Despite your pseudo-bohemian appearance
And vaguely leftist doctrine of beliefs
You know nothing about art or sex
That you couldn’t read in any trendy New York underground fashion magazine
Prototypical non-conformist
You are a vacuous soldier of the thrift store Gestapo
You adhere to a set of standards and tastes
That appear to be determined by an unseen panel of hipster judges (bullshit)
Giving a thumbs up or thumbs down to incoming and outgoing trends and styles of music and art
Go analog baby, you’re so post-modern
You’re diving face forward into a antiquated path
It’s disgusting, its offensive, don’t stick your nose up at me

Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah
Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah

You spend your time sitting in circles with your friends
Pontificating to each other
Forever competing for that one moment of self-aggrandizing glory
In which you hog the intellectual spotlight
Holding dominion over the entire shallow pointless conversation
Oh, we’re not worthy
When you walk by a group of quote-unquote normal people
You chuckle to yourself patting yourself on the back as you scoff
It's the same superiority complex
Shared by the high school jocks who made your life a living hell
And makes you a slave to the competitive capitalist dogma
You spend every moment of your waking life bitching about

Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah
And I say yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah

Cause I’m proud of my life and the things that I have done
Proud of myself and the loner I’ve become
You’re free to whine, it will not get you far
I do just fine, my car and my guitar

Proud of my life and the things that I have done
Proud of myself and the loner I’ve become
You’re free to whine, it will not get you far
I do just fine, my car and my guitar, yeah

Well let me tell you this, I am shamelessly self-involved
I spend hours in front of the mirror, making my hair elegantly disheveled
I worry about how this album will sell
Because I believe it will determine the amount of sex I will have in the future
I self medicate with drugs and alcohol to treat my extreme social anxiety

You are a faker (admit it)
You are a fraud (admit it)
Yeah, you’re living a lie (hey) living a lie (hey) you’re life is living a lie
You don’t impress me (admit it)
You don’t intimidate me (admit it)
Why don’t you bow down, get on the ground, walk this fucking plank (yeah!)

Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah
And I say yeah (what do you..)

Proud of my life and the things that I have done
Proud of myself and the loner I’ve become
You’re free to whine, it will not get you far
I do just fine, my car and my..
Guitar, guitar go!

And I am done with this
I wanna taste the breeze of every great city
My car and my guitar
My car and my guitar
So you'll come to be, made of these, urgent unfulfilled
Oh no no no no no
When I'm dead I'll rest
When I'm dead I'll rest way still
When I'm dead I'll rest, I'll rest

Passed out on the overpass
Sunday best and broken glass
Broken down from the bikes and bars
Suspended like spirits over speeding cars
You and me were kings over the parkway tonight
And tonight will go on forever while we
walk around this town like we own the streets
and stay awake through summer like we own the heat
Singing "everybody wake up (wake up) it's time to get down"
(everybody, everybody wake up its time to get down)
And when I pass the bottle back to Pete
on the overpass tonight, I bet we laugh

I'm gonna stay eighteen forever (cut me open)
So we can stay like this forever (sun poisoned)
And we'll never miss a party (this offer...)
cause we keep them going constantly (...stands forever)
And we'll never have to listen (new haircut)
to anyone about anything (new bracelet)
cause it's all been done and it's all been said (eyeliner)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get

The hell out of this town
Find some conversation
The low fuel lights been on for days
It doesn't mean anything
I've got another 500, 'nother 500 miles
before we shut this engine down,
we shut it down

I'm gonna stay eighteen forever (cut me open)
So we can stay like this forever (sun poisoned)
And we'll never miss a party (this offer...)
cause we keep them going constantly (...stands forever)
And we'll never have to listen (new haircut)
to anyone about anything (new bracelet)
cause it's all been done and it's all been said (eyeliner)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get (wait forever)

(you're just jealous cause I'm young and in love)
Eighteen forever (first kisses)
(your stomach's filled up but you're starved for conversation)
So we can stay like this forever (new stitches)
(you're spending all your nights growing old in your bed)
And we'll never miss a party (collar weekend)
(and your tearin up your photos cause you wanna forget... it's over)
cause we keep them going constantly (appearance ticket)
(you're just jealous cause I'm young and in love)
And we'll never have to listen (November to...)
(your stomach's filled up but you're starved for conversation)
to anyone about anything cause it's all been done (...remember)
(you're spending all your nights growing old in your bed)
and it's all been said (nightswimmers)
(and your tearin up your photos cause you wanna forget... it's over)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get

Just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous...

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.

True love cannot be found where it does not truly exist, nor can it be hidden where it truly does.


ANYWHO.
i just woke up and it's 8.11 am.. not necessary. GOSH. it's too early and i am way too tired. i've been feeling really poopy lately. perhaps it's because i'm gonna get my period soon and so my hormones are ALL over the place. who knows. wel, i'm off to shower and try to wake up.

​ ​​​​A religion teacher assigned her class an essay on what makes a good Christian. One student wrote about praying nightly, say no to abortion, banning gay marriage, and donating money. The other student wrote about talking to God and allowing people to enjoy their lives, and supporting gay marriage.
The day the teacher was to hand the papers back, she called up the second student and told him she would pray for him when he went to hell. The student asked why would he be going to hell, and why he got an F on his paper. The teacher told him that Catholicism is against gay marriage. The student looked at her for a minute, then said aloud, "I'm gay." The teacher kicked him out of class as if he had said fuck or worshipped Satan.
A girl in the back of class who had a boyfriend and was obviously straight got up and left too.

* If you would leave the classroom, repost this. It doesn't matter if you're straight, bi, or gay. It doesn't matter if you're Catholic or not. Everyone is a human being and deserves happiness. *

From hundreds of miles you cry like a baby
You plead with me, shout, scream
Tell me I'm staying
I know, I know, I know
I'm still your love

Back from the last place that I wanted to fake
You laugh with me, shout, scream
Now tell me you're staying
I know, I know, I know
You're still my love

The same as I love you
You'll always love me too
This love isn't good unless
It's me and you

Box after box and you're still by my side
The weather is changing
And breaking my stride
I know, I know, I know
It's just this day

House after house, just like car after car
You see club after club
And it all seems so far
I know, I know, I know
What else are we here for?

The same as I love you
You'll always love me too
This love isn't good unless
It's me and you

Stick your hands inside of my pockets
Keep them warm while I'm still here
Tell them this love hasn't changed me
Hasn't changed me at all

Last night I was writing about you
I know my screaming and shouting won't keep you
I know, I know, I know
You're still my love

I wake up to the sound of you working
You're one room right over
Stressing and loving me
I know, I know, I know
Be still my love

The same as I love you
You'll always love me too
This love isn't good unless
It's me and you

Stick your hands inside of my pockets
Keep them warm while I'm still here
Tell them this love hasn't changed me
Hasn't changed me at all

Stick your heart inside of my chest
Keep it warm here while we rest
Tell them this love hasn't changed me
Hasn't changed me at all

The same as I love you
You'll always love me too
This love isn't good unless
It's me and you

The same as I love you
You'll always love me too
This love isn't good unless
It's me and you

I am not a pretty girl
that is not what I do
I ain't no damsel in distess
and I don't need to be rescued
so put me down punk
maybe you'd prefer a maiden fair
isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

I am not an angry girl
but it seems like I've got everyone fooled
every time I say something they find hard to hear
they chalk it up to my anger
and never to their own fear
and imagine you're a girl
just trying to finally come clean
knowing full well they'd prefer you
were dirty and smiling

and I am sorry
I am not a maiden fair
and I am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

and generally my generation
wouldn't be caught dead working for the man
and generally I agree with them
trouble is you gotta have youself an alternate plan
and I have earned my disillusionment
I have been working all of my life
and I am a patriot
I have been fighting the good fight
and what if there are no damsels in distress
what if I knew that and I called your bluff?
don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down
whether or not you ever show up

I am not a pretty girl
I don't want to be a pretty girl
no I want to be more than a pretty girl

jill did this one time and i found it quite cool. i made the greatest playlist with the shit i've been listening to lately. here is goes.

1. waiting - pennywise
2. rooftops - hot water music
3. the ghost of you - my chemical romance
4. the gallow is god - the distillers
5. cemetery drive - my chemical romance
6. just don't say you lost it - hot water music
7. ink and lead - hot water music
8. the razor - head automatica
9. attention - adelphi
10. 99 with an anchor - a thorn for every heart
11. banquet - bloc party
12. take this breath - dead poetic
13. bail me out - pete murray
14. molotov - dead poetic
15. drug like - action action
16. for tonight you're only here to know - the distillers
17. middle finger response - propagandhi
18. bad day - REM
19. glass danse - the faint
20. the metro - alkaline trio
21. ever so sweet - the early november
22. kill - jimmy eat world

there you are. that's what i'm listening to. WOOOOOOOO